Marriage is Not Always 50-50 (& Other Relationship Advice from The Dude Therapist)  | Eli Weinstein, LCSW

About This Episode

Struggling with your relationship after having kids? The hardest part of parenting isn’t always the kids, it’s what the chaos can quietly do to your marriage. When you’re running on low sleep and high stress, small annoyances can turn into big fights, and “We’re fine” can become a long, lonely distance. Today on The Brainy Moms Podcast, Dr. Amy talks with therapist, author, and “proudly goofy dad” Eli Weinstein, host of The Dude Therapist podcast and author of From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage Through the Parenting Years.

We dig into practical relationship skills you can use immediately, including Eli’s “full communication” method for asking clearly for what you need without demands or nagging. We also unpack how unspoken expectations shape your perception of your partner and create a reality where you’re already mad before you’ve even talked. If you’ve ever thought, “They should just know,” this conversation gives you a better path forward that still feels human and doable.

We also challenge the myth of a 50-50 marriage and replace it with a smarter approach: “check the tank” capacity check-ins that respect real-life bandwidth. Finally, we talk about ADHD in marriage and neurodivergent relationships, where diagnosis is context, not an excuse, and where curiosity plus accountability can change the tone of the whole home. If you want less scorekeeping, more teamwork, and better repair after hard moments, hit play, then subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more parents can find these tools.

About Eli Weinstein, LCSW

Eli is a therapist, author, husband, and proudly goofy dad of three, who brings heart, humor, and honesty to conversations about relationships, parenting, and mental health. He’s the host of The Dude Therapist podcast and has been featured on more than 250 podcasts and outlets, including the Kelly Clarkson Show, Psychology Today, Parents, and Men’s Health. His debut book, From I Do to We Do, Navigating Marriage Through the Parenting Years, helps couples stay connected through the beautiful chaos of raising a family. Eli’s goal is simple: make therapy-level wisdom feel human, relatable, and actually useful in real life. Find Eli Weinstein at eliweinsteinlcsw.com

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NOTE: This transcript was auto-generated by an AI assistant that thinks it’s smarter than we are. It’s not, but it has more free time than we do, so we gave it a low-stakes job. It probably spelled a few things wrong, but we’re okay with that. We’d rather spend our time interviewing cool guests!

Welcome And Guest Introduction
Dr. Amy Moore 0:01

Hi, smart moms and dads. Welcome to yet another episode of the Brandy Moms Podcast, brought to you today by LearningRx Brain Training Centers. I’m Dr. Amy Moore, flying solo today without Sandy, who is enjoying some time in Switzerland. So I just want to remind you before we start our interview today that we have a free monthly newsletter. You can just head on over to thebrandymoms.com, sign up totally free. Lots of cool tips on topics that we cover on the show and some additional ones as well. And now my guest today is Eli Weinstein. Let me tell you a little bit about him if you don’t know who Eli is yet. Eli is a therapist, author, husband, and proudly goofy dad of three, who brings heart, humor, and honesty to conversations about relationships, parenting, and mental health. He’s the host of the Dude Therapist podcast and has been featured on more than 250 podcasts and outlets, including the Kelly Clarkson Show, Psychology Today, Parents, and Men’s Health. His debut book, From I Do to We Do, Navigating Marriage Through the Parenting Years, helps couples stay connected through the beautiful chaos of raising a family. Eli’s goal is simple: make therapy-level wisdom feel human, relatable, and actually useful in real life. I’m super excited to have this conversation today with Eli Weinstein. Well, I’m so glad you’ve joined me today.

Eli Weinstein 1:28

Thank you for having me.

Dr. Amy Moore 1:29

Well, I’m so excited to talk to you about your new book. And um if you would write anything differently now that you have a yet another child, like as you reflect on some of the things that you talked about. So is adding the third exponentially more? And does it change how you feel about? I have three. So, you know, I certainly have an opinion too, but um, does it change anything? Would you have said anything differently?

Eli Weinstein 2:03

I don’t think I would have said anything

Writing A Book With A Newborn
Eli Weinstein 2:05

differently, but I am glad that I wrote it before having the kid. So now I have like a resource to go back to for myself. Like remind myself some of the things that I think are important. Uh, you know, of course, when you write a book and you know you have other people making decisions and editing this and editing that. And um, and when you’re doing, I did like, I’ve done so many podcasts for the book, you know, thank God, and I’m so pumped, and I love talking about it, and I love reaching new people and impacting other people, it’s so fun for me, it energizes me. Um of course I would like to tweak a metaphor or add a thing or oh, you know, I didn’t put this tagline or this, you know, thing that I now am talking about, or it pops into my head because I have ADHD and I’m very good on the fly. So when someone asks me a question, I can come up with an answer very quickly. Um, sometimes it’s smart, sometimes it’s not. But when I sit and I’m like writing or thinking about something, the the gears don’t click in the same way. So it is fun to see like what comes out now when talking about it or with a third kid. But the the relationship is the relationship. The work is the work. So that’s not changing anytime soon, whether it’s one kid, two kid, or three kid, or even not having kids yet, and you’re thinking about having kids, the conversations and the the rules or the the guidelines that I have in the book apply no matter what. I just think I’m just a lot more tired right now than I was. Right? Six weeks ago.

Dr. Amy Moore 3:36

Yeah.

Eli Weinstein 3:36

You know.

Dr. Amy Moore 3:37

How old’s your new one?

Eli Weinstein 3:38

Five weeks old.

unknown 3:39

Oh yeah.

Eli Weinstein 3:40

We’re in it.

Dr. Amy Moore 3:42

I’m impressed that you’re even here.

Eli Weinstein 3:45

Me too. I don’t I don’t know what day it is. I I I don’t know if I’m here, but it’s happening. You know, we’re here. We’re doing it. Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore 3:58

Well, I too am an ADHD warrior, so this will be a fun conversation.

Eli Weinstein 4:02

Party, I can’t wait.

Dr. Amy Moore 4:04

Who’s gonna keep who on track?

Eli Weinstein 4:07

It’s fun.

Dr. Amy Moore 4:09

Right. Um, and I have a book coming out this month, so I totally get it. Like I’ll I was, you know, looking through a couple of things the other day and I thought, oh my gosh, that sounds so good. I don’t even remember writing that.

Eli Weinstein 4:20

Yeah, yeah. I remember reading it after it came out, and I went, oh wow, that was smart. Like, you know, like maybe I’m okay at this,

Connection Is A Learnable Skill
Eli Weinstein 4:30

you know, maybe I’m not the worst at this yet.

Dr. Amy Moore 4:32

So when you think about the importance of the message of your book, what’s screaming the loudest right now? Like when you woke up this morning, what did you think? Hey, I really need to lean into this right now because this is really what couples need to know.

Eli Weinstein 4:48

A few things. One, I was screaming, I want to go back to bed because I have a newborn. So that was really what I was screaming. Yeah. Or where’s my coffee? Um, but the thing when it comes to couples is that a thing I say often to every couple I work with, and when I’m on like doing this content stuff, is it’s a skill. Remind yourself it’s a skill. This is not something that you wake up knowing from birth. It’s not something that you might have experienced, but how to continue to connect through your relationship while the chaos of life is happening, whether it’s kids, finances, who knows what stresses come your way. That’s a skill that changes your life. And it’s something that is exciting because you can learn it. You can get better at it. It’s not just like either I’m six foot six playing basketball and I can have athletic ability, or I don’t. It’s not a yes or no question. It is a gray area that is possible for anyone to learn. So that’s number one. Number two, that the screaming is that there are so many simple things that we can do that are actionable that make the biggest difference. And a lot of times we are focusing so much on the big answers of how to solve everything. And I’m very big on actionable small steps that really make a big difference. And the third thing is that, you know, don’t stop trying if you really, if you really want to do it. If you really want to have a healthy relationship, if you really care about the person, and it’s just the noise of life that is getting in the middle, getting in the way, or separating or making things a struggle. Um, if you have love, and I mean that genuinely, like legitimate care for the person and respect for the person, it is possible to rebuild. So those are the three things that pop to my head.

Dr. Amy Moore 6:39

So I love that you talk about this gray area because we have this tendency to think all or nothing. We have this tendency to think in black and white. And then when something deviates from the way we think it should be, and that should is violated, then we’re mad and frustrated. And so talk a little bit about um what that gray area looks like practically from a practical perspective. Like give me an example of how that shows up.

Eli Weinstein 7:04

Oh, I have so many,

Expectations Shape Perception And Reality
Eli Weinstein 7:05

unfortunately. But uh, in the book, I talk about like a tagline, because you have to have taglines when you have a book or like acronyms, and I couldn’t think of acronyms. Um, uh the Holy Trinity, which to me is a very CBT-heavy perspective of this concept of how our expectations and our realities are impacted by our perceptions of those things, right? If I have an expectation and I perceive you as a problem or a negative because of that expectation and you didn’t meet that, well, now my reality is going to be very, very tough or rough around the edges. So the example I give is I work from home, right? I have a practice, work from home, my wife does too. And there are things around the house that we expect should get done because we’re both home. And we don’t communicate them. We don’t talk about them. It’s like you should pay attention, you should know that. And it doesn’t get done. Well, now you’re a lazy son of a you know what, and you’re a problem, and you don’t help out enough. And now, before I even talk to you about it or communicate my needs, I’m already coming with my you know, fists up ready to fight before anything has gone down. Or we have an expectation of how we hope a vacation will go, or a family trip, or bedtime, or morning routine of getting the kids out of the house, which never goes as planned. And now there is a problem that we perceive is wrong. Well, by this time, we should be getting this done. You know, we’ve been married for this long. We should, I expect that you should bot, bot, bot. Well, now I view a problem, and now I’m gonna project that problem on my reality versus communicating, talking about it, or even understanding. And, you know, the example I give in the book, and I give often, like during COVID, when people were working at home and some people were out of the house, and and someone comes home and the dishes aren’t done. And I didn’t communicate to you, like, hey, if you have time, can you do it? Well, now what the hell did you do all day? You’re home. You didn’t have time to do this one thing, and now I have to do it. You suck. But guess what? You had no idea what was happening within the reality. There was no curiosity. There was just judgment now because of that piece of the triangle, which is the expectation to the perception piece. So if we can kind of get in the middle of that and work on that connector, it really impacts the whole triangle that I can learn how to express my expectations better, set them for both of us or the home smarter. Then my perception is a lot lighter and kinder and less judgmental. And then my reality kind of clicks into better ways of figuring things out or talking it through or adjusting or pivoting because those two other things are kind of working on a better system.

Dr. Amy Moore 9:58

So is it your advice that this type of communication should be in place prior to having kids? And then that’s just something you add to the dynamic.

Eli Weinstein 10:09

Yeah. And

Full Communication Without Nagging
Eli Weinstein 10:10

I and one of the practical skills that I in every single chapter of the book, I have either uh a conversation starter or like a tactile, practical tool tip thing in a gray box or whatever it is. It’s in a, you know, either in the chapter or at the end of a chapter. And this one I call full communication. It’s a very simple idea. And I get a lot of pushback, and the pushback is, oh, you want me to do more work in the marriage? I go, Yeah. That’s why you’re reading the book. Like, that’s why you’re coming to go into couples therapy. That’s why, yeah, it takes a lot of work. It does. It’s a it’s a challenge. And a challenge is an opportunity. It’s not a test where you could fail. It’s a challenge. You have a chance of winning and chance of doing well. So you’re challenging yourself. It’s not difficult, it’s just a challenge. So the challenge to everyone who’s listening is the full communication is I tell you what I need, how I need it, what I need it. Just full thought from start to finish. Hey, I really need you to take the garbage out now because I’m about to make a mess. And the garbage is really full. I’d really appreciate it if you could take it out right now. It’d mean a lot. Hey, can you take the, could you take my daughter? Like we have this conversation all the time now with my daughter. Can you take my daughter for about an hour? Can you take the Gabby, your name is, for an hour? I really want to go to Trader Joe’s and stock up the fridge. I really need to get out of the house and just be a person. How can I say no to that? If I can do that for the person I am claiming I love and I care about and have their back and we’re teammates and all those things. And someone says the full thought of what they need, how they need it, and why they need it, we can have a conversation about how I can show up for them then. Hey, I can’t do right now. Can you give me 10 minutes? I just need to go to the bathroom and wrap something up, and then I got Gabby. Or I can’t do right now. I’m about to have a client, but I have an opening of my schedule in like two hours. Would that could that work? And then I’m more than I would love to be able to help. Right. But if I just don’t communicate that, or we don’t have the full communication, and someone goes, take Gabby, I’m done with the day, I’m tired, just take her. A lot less things are gonna go the way we hope when it’s not fully communicated in a better, and you can just practice that. Just full communication. What you need, how you need it, when you need it. And then it opens the door to be a better conversation about it versus a demand versus nagging or versus being intense or aggressive about your needs. It’s a better communicator of how you can communicate your needs in just a smaller way that makes big differences.

Dr. Amy Moore 12:44

So talk to me a little bit about how you go from um sharing, hey, this could be the outcome of this homework that you guys need to be doing in couples counseling or through the re through the book. Um, because that sounds collaborative and cooperative and loving and beautiful and conflict-free. Um, how do you go from point A, right? To saying, okay, now you need this system and this framework. And it doesn’t feel very romantic. And it’s going to feel like you’re adding something to

Choose Your Hard In Marriage
Dr. Amy Moore 13:20

your already overflowing plate. How do you communicate that? How do you motivate people to know what it looks like on the other side of that one?

Eli Weinstein 13:31

So I’m a very no BS sassy therapist and this person. So I’ll be sassy for for a second and then back to my sassy for the whole hour.

Dr. Amy Moore 13:40

We like sassy, right?

Eli Weinstein 13:42

You don’t have to, what’s it called? You don’t have to tease me with a good time. Uh um bring it. There’s always trade-offs in life. So what are you willing to deal with? Do you want to deal with arguments, screaming, yelling, painful relationship? Or do you want to make efforts that start off sterile, maybe aren’t as sexy, aren’t as fun, but have dividends that could pay off when both people are on board. Now the pushback, well, what if people are, not everyone’s on board? So this is the other sassy thing. Well, maybe you’re not with the right person at some point. And what I mean by that is it doesn’t mean there isn’t love. It doesn’t mean there isn’t memories and good things. But if time after time, one person is trying to make efforts to make change for the cause of goodness, right? That we want to have a better home, we want to have a good relationship. I love you and I want to have happiness and joy, not magical Disney, but normal life without arguments over every little crappy thing, or that I can’t stand your breathing and you’re so stupid, and every little thing is just fighting. And the person goes, Well, I don’t want to do the work, or I don’t care enough, or I’m fine the way I am, and you keep pushing and trying. The sass thing is stop trying to convince one, someone to make change if they don’t want to. And then stop suffering if people aren’t willing to do the work with you when they say they love you and you love them and you want to do it together. At some point, you have to look at the reality and go, oh, this person really doesn’t want to make efforts because they think everything is okay. When they’ve admitted it’s not okay, I’ve admitted it’s not okay. We’re going to couples therapy for it. I’m reading a book about it. We’re trying, and he’s not willing to make the effort, or she’s not willing to make the effort. I need to have an honest conversation with myself and with my person about, well, then what are we doing here? Why are we not trying harder? It’s a lot, it’s a lot of work. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, but with the right person, with the right perceptions of what this is all about, which is being each other’s teammates. We’re not enemies. You can even be sassy enough and say, our kids and life are the enemies, but we are a team. We work together. We have each other’s back. And it’s not gonna be sexy all the time, and it’s not gonna be so lovey dovey Disney. There’s no pick uh pixie dust, but we’re gonna do really important things together because we care enough about each other and love each other on a deep way that we are gonna do this as a team. And sometimes you get the spotlight, sometimes I do, and sometimes we make mistakes and we falter, but we’re willing to go back to the drawing board, to game plan and work on it consistently. And that’s the thing that if someone’s willing to make the effort, and if it doesn’t work out perfectly, like I said, like the uh, you know, oh, just say these wonderful things. Add your own flavor, add your style, make it yours, don’t make it mine. I that’s why when people ask me for advice as a therapist or ways to do things, I give them a structure, but you got to find your own voice and your own vibe within that. And if someone is willing to keep showing up and trying, you’re with the right person. It might not work out the way the prescription says, but then you go back and try again. And if the person keeps showing up and trying, oh my God, what a blessing. I wish all my couples had that. That’s amazing. So trial and error. That’s why I say it’s a skill, right? And if you ever, like I’m a big sports fan, if you look at any sport, you have players who try a certain like baseball, right? A certain batting stance. And for a couple of years it works, but then another pitcher comes around and throws something new and they have to tighten this up and do this, and they have coaches, and a different coach tells them a different thing. And maybe if you just stood this way and that way and moved your arm, moved your leg, and now you’re a home run hitter, you’re doing amazing things because you just have to keep tweaking things to work for this day, for this child, for this situation, from young kids to toddlers to teenage, to we have to keep adjusting and working together and keep showing up and trying to make it fit to the day today, our life, this week, next month, but we keep showing up and trying, things can work out better. And I would say if you can make your life five to 15% better a day, we’re not looking for 90%. That’s impossible. But like from research, the the research shows that like a good, healthy relationship is about 60, 40, 730 split good to negative or frustrating or hard. We can’t, 80-20, you’re like that’s that’s amazing and ridiculous and ideal, and that’s what like the the you know the Disney movies are about. 90-10, you’re robots. It’s not real. You’re not human. 70-30 is like really amazing marriages. 60-40 is usually more practical and realistic. That if you are in that ratio of good to struggle, good to bad, good to negative, whatever word you want to use on the other side, you’re doing amazing. You’re doing great. It’s two humans figuring out life together. It’s gonna be rough. There’s gonna be tough, there’s gonna be heartache and frustration. Pretty good ratio, though, 60, 40, 70, 30. Not bad. That’s pretty damn good.

Dr. Amy Moore 19:05

And you said something really telling, right? If you can get a 10% improvement, you go from 60-40, which you said is a good marriage, to 70-30, which is an amazing marriage. Wouldn’t that work be worth that 10% improvement? It sounds like that’s what’s the trade-off.

Eli Weinstein 19:21

What are you willing game?

Dr. Amy Moore 19:22

Dame.

Eli Weinstein 19:22

That’s what are you willing to deal with? What are you willing to handle, even though there’s a con to it? Hard work is difficult. The con is that it takes effort. The pro you can make your life a little bit better. And that’s worth to me the risk. Versus the other choice, which is suffer, be in pain, be overwhelmed, be distressed.

Dr. Amy Moore 19:46

Choose your hard.

Eli Weinstein 19:47

Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore 19:48

Yeah, I love that you said there’s this flexibility within this framework, within these, you know, steps and solutions to personalize it,

Make The Framework Sound Like You
Dr. Amy Moore 20:00

to make it sound like you, to make it feel like you. Yeah. Because the risk is, you know, initially you think, I’m gonna just sound robotic. This is gonna sound ridiculous, and that is not how I talk, how Eli talks. And but to be able to say, wait, I have to make this mine if it’s gonna work. Because I’m gonna show Yes.

Eli Weinstein 20:17

So the example I give a lot, like I have clients who say, Eli, if I come back with this to my wife, she’s gonna be like, Oh, what, did Eli tell you to say this? And I’m like, I yeah, I I I did. But like, dude, like, wake up and say it your way. Like, don’t take notes in script. Uh, like that’s not the goal. The example I give a lot to parents is like, we we as parents try to make boundaries or guidelines to things, right? Bedtime routine. We start at this time and we end at this time. But my wife and I have different energies to what that structure is. I am a goofy dude. I do voices, I tickle fight, whatever my daughter or son want from me that day. But like that energy is the in between. My wife does it her way, what song she plays, how she snuggles with them. I have a handshake with my daughter. My wife does not. Not that she’s a bad parent. That is something that I do with my daughter. We have a secret handshake. I do that with her every night. My wife does not do that with her. It’s not that we keep it from her. She knows the handshake. It’s not that we keep it a secret from my wife. Um, but like, that’s our thing. Yeah. Guideline, your energy. So I tell a lot of parents, like, discuss and figure out what the boundary of the things are, the guidelines of the things are. And then how you go about doing it, that is your personality, your style, right? Your way of doing it. If I want to cook something, how I cook it and you cook it are going to be different with a little splash of extra salt or a little extra time frying it. It’s going to give it that extra flavor. That’s your sauce. That’s your extra sauce as a parent. So just that’s the same thing with these skills. Discuss it with each other, what the boundaries. What are the guidelines of the skill? What’s the purpose? What’s the why of the skill? What is it trying to teach us? What is it trying to help us with? And how can we make it ours and our flavor? Like the thing I uh a skill I say a lot of times is something they call, I call it rompus. It’s my favorite word from where the wild things are. It means to dance, right? And I just heard an interview with the Jonas brothers. Not that I was with them, but if you’re listening, Joe Jonas, you you ruined my algorithm on TikTok because you did that crazy run on burning up in your recent concert. Thank you so much. I love your voice. But um, they talk about that they have the same idea.

Dr. Amy Moore 22:38

We want to tag him in in that sound bite, won’t we?

Eli Weinstein 22:41

Please. Um, they call it cranking it up. So for 15, whatever they say, I need to crank it up for 10 minutes. And that means I need to just vent and get this out. And you’re not allowed to go, but what about this? And devil’s advocate. And but do you think about this? No, no, no. I just need to get it off my chest and vent, release the pressure valve, and then we can move on with our lives. I call it rompus. That’s what I called it. Didn’t know that they do that. And for me, it’s this way of I have a lot of big feelings, I’ve processed them, but I want to let you into what I’m thinking or what’s on my mind. And we’re just gonna call Rompus, we’re gonna give a time frame, and then we’re going to move on. And like the example I give, the real story, I have my wife’s permission of this, is one time I was asking my wife to do dishes. I said, Hey, can I clean these dishes? They’ve just been sitting here for a little bit. And she yelled at me. And I walked away, I went, What? I’m being yelled at for doing dishes? That doesn’t make sense. What is wrong here? So I walk away. Of course, I’m brewing, I’m in my head. An hour later, she texts me. She goes, Hey, can we have a rompus moment for a second? Sure. I come out. She goes, Rhompus, you have to buy into it, right? I have to agree that I’m gonna keep my cool and not attack and jump down and get defensive and be, you know, open and honest and curious about what she’s saying. She goes, Hey, I’m so sorry about before. When you said about the dishes, I thought you were calling me out because I’m the one who made the mess on that because I baked last night and didn’t clean it. Um, and then after I walked away, I went, what the hell’s wrong with me? My husband just offered to clean dishes and I yelled at him. My bad, I’m so sorry. I was in my head about it. One, two, three, done. We aired it out over Rompus. So when I tell my clients this skill, or it’s in the book, find your own damn word. You don’t have to use Rompus. You don’t have to even do it my way. The point I’m making is that everyone has there’s boundaries into the skills, and there’s the why. What is the purpose of the skill? And then take and run with it how you want it to do for that works for your marriage and your relationship. These are just springboards to conversations and ways to kind of structure bigger picture um conversations or or skills

Stop Scorekeeping And Check The Tank
Eli Weinstein 24:50

that need to happen.

Dr. Amy Moore 24:53

All right. So while we’re talking about ratios and numbers, you talk about not 50-50, but check the tank. Talk to me a little bit about that concept.

Eli Weinstein 25:03

Love that. And I love how like recently in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been seeing like, you know, Jay Shetty posted like, here are the experts on 50-50 marriage and not not 50-50. And, you know, this person, that person. So I love that it’s a conversation happening everywhere. Uh, it’s so important. A lot of times we have an expectation about marriage or relationships that it should be equal. Everything should be equal. Um, the sad part is that life is not fair, it never will be equal. Moms, unfortunately, are going to be hit with the default parent situation that is overwhelming and a burden that men will never understand. And it is something that we need to be loving and supportive to women and moms about that. I write a whole thing called uh Mama Magic in one of my books, in my book. So that, you know, to give love, it’s a love letter to my wife. But the beauty of that and the struggle of mental load. But when it comes to 50-50, stop looking at the numbers. Stop scorekeeping. Stop it. It doesn’t help. Once you start scorekeeping, you’ve lost the game already. You’ve lost. So we cannot quantify quality. What I mean by that is that we cannot look at something and go, well, I did seven things and you only did one. So there, there’s something off there. You don’t know how heavy or how long that one thing took for me. Um, I don’t know about you. With my ADHD, if I’m dealing with my kids for about two, three hours and they are really loud, that drains me a lot differently than my wife. My wife is not better and I’m not worse. We deal with those things differently. The quality of it is different. So you cannot quantify, well, I was with the kids for an hour and you were and you were with the kids for three hours, so you owe me this and start doing all the math. That one hour could be so much more draining than five hours for you. It’s not my fault. It’s not your fault. It just is. So when it comes to the 50-50 thing of everything has to be beautifully cut into beautiful pieces like a pie, the biggest thing I say is the tank that check in with each other. So if you’re having a rough day, I’ll I’ll give you an example that happened this morning. We take my wife, my daughter is having a hard time with feeding and sleeping right now. And so she sleeps on us for, you know, we take turns because she can’t sleep at a bassinet. She keeps waking up, she doesn’t think, all the things, and we’re working on it and doing to this and that and the other thing, and we’re doing all we can. So in the morning, we have carpool for my kids, my other two kids. So we have a conversation. Hey, where’s your tank at? Can you do it? Not, well, I did it yesterday. You have to do it today. It’s where are you at right now? Give me the check-in, give me the number, give me the reality of where you’re at so we can have an honest conversation of not who needs it more, not who’s better or worse, of but what do you need because you are not at a good capacity to handle it? Your bandwidth is low. So if I come in the door and I’m at 30% or 40%, because I’ve had a long day of therapy and this, that, and the other thing. And my wife goes, Hey, where are you at? Where’s your tank at? And I go, I’m at like 40 right now. Okay, what can you handle with that 40? And then I’m gonna give a hundred percent of that 40. Not it has to be 50, 50, and because I’m below 50, I can’t give anything. So sorry, wife, it’s on you. I’m gonna do the best with what I got, but I’m gonna be honest about what I got. I’m gonna be honest with what that means practically for the situation. And then I’m gonna communicate that. And it’s that back and forth respect for each other and the needs for what we need today. To go, hey, the fact that you’re asking for help or you’re asking for the tank check-in, I need to respect that because something’s off or something’s not at ideal levels that you’re even asking that. So I need to be kind to that. So 50-50 never works. Stop playing that game, but check in with each other. Where’s your tank at? What does that mean? What can you offer? What can you do? Not, well, I did this all day and blah, blah, blah. No, no, no, no. Everyone’s doing their best right now. Where’s your tank? And then go from there.

Dr. Amy Moore 28:58

I love that analogy. And I also like that you said you’re still gonna give 100% to whatever it is you do. So it’s kind of like, okay, I only have a quarter of a tank, but I can still drive the speed limits and gas runs out. So I can still give two hours fully present with my kids right now.

Eli Weinstein 29:19

Yeah, and we learned that the hard way with my daughter, my first daughter, like we did not communicate well and we did not express our needs. And we had, and I rate this in the introduction, we had one of the worst fights we ever had of just like the kitchens, everything came out because we never expressed it. But like the example that I’m I’m living in right now is if I’m at uh 80% because I slept well for the few hours that I got, and my wife did not because she was holding the baby and the baby was moving a lot, I might be able to handle two or three hours of my baby better than my wife can right now. But then let’s say later in the day, my baby is screaming and is inconsolable for 20, 30, 40 minutes or an hour, and my tank is just being drained. There’s no comparison now. I can’t compare. Well, I held her for three hours before, and now you owe me. No, no, no. It’s right now, this is draining me, and I’m at a low, the tank, the symbol is going off, and I need backup to recharge. And we ask for that backup, honestly, with reality, not holding over people’s head, not making people feel bad, that it’s only been 30 minutes. That’s all you can give me. Yeah, that is. I I I feel bad, I’m sorry, but like this is all I got. Let me recharge and I can come back and just have that honest conversation versus throwing it in people’s faces of like, that’s all you got? What’s wrong with you? So you suck. You’re terrible, you’re not good enough. Those conversations never go well. No one likes to hear that. But if we have that respect, like, oh wow, thanks so much for giving me a half an hour break. I really needed that. I got the baby. Go do what you need to do. Let me know when you’re ready to take over. Like that’s respect. And of course, that’s all beautiful and ideal, and we all have a lot of sleep and we’re all wonderful. It’s not going to be magical all the time, and it’s not going to be so easy. But we’re trying to create those foundations where we’re having those conversations in smaller, simple, simpler, silly ways that aren’t as high stakes, aren’t as intense as a screaming baby at two o’clock in the morning, but are more the day-to-day things where things are calmer and easier that we’re just practicing that so that when it does get, when stuff does hit the fan, we already have kind of in a routine and it kind of we’re kind of conditioned to do that already.

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ADHD Neurodivergence And Accountability
Dr. Amy Moore 33:08

So you talked a little bit about how our ADHD can impact uh, you know, our ability to sit in situations for uh because of sensory overload or um I might not notice that the trash is full. Um, and because that is not the most relevant piece of information in my, you know, line of sight at the moment. Talk a little bit about the advice that you give to couples that do have a neurodivergent member of that marriage and how much allowance is made for that, or is that just too bad?

Eli Weinstein 33:45

Yeah. So I would say the ADHD gives you context to the person. Um, it’s not an excuse. It’s a reality that they battle with. Everyone’s got their stuff. Like I got tummy issues too. Like, okay, like we all got things, right? But it’s about if I truly care and love you, I’m gonna try to be curious versus judgmental instead of like, what the hell is wrong with you? Why don’t you get this? It’s more of like, hey, can you explain to me why it’s hard for you to do that? So that the other person can kind of get not fully, but get a little backdrop to have more benefit of the doubt or more understanding to your situation, and then you can work together to create a better atmosphere for things to get done. Right. My wife knows that like we we have an open home. So a lot of people come to our house and hang out. Our friends around the block, you know, we love it. We keep Sabbath, so on the weekends, you know, friends come over and just packed house. Sometimes, depending on what family, what kids, and who they are, I can either sit there for hours and be okay, and sometimes I can’t. So it’s on me to be aware, to communicate, hey, Ariella, I need to go upstairs for like, I don’t know, 20 minutes just to be in quiet. But also, if I’ve had conversations and honesty, because my wife is curious to understand what AHD means for me and how it shows up for me, that she can be more cognizant of my battles and my struggles. It doesn’t mean an excuse when I get dysregulated and snap at my kids. That’s not a good thing that I am doing. It’s not like, well, he has AHD, so it’s okay. No, no, no. I take, I have to take accountability that I lost my cool. It’s not a big deal that my son spilled water or my daughter did this or whatever it is. But then we have to talk about honestly what to do differently or how to make it work for everyone. It’s not just about me, it’s about everyone. So as long as that means I have to be on the journey to figure out what it is for me too, as the person with ADHD, right? Like I like the same thing with the medical thing. I have Crohn’s, right? So my stomach is a little off sometimes. So we had a conversation early on in our marriage. It was like, hey, if I say I have to go to the bathroom and we’re on the road driving somewhere and I pull over, go to the bathroom, there’s no judgment, no annoyance, no what we have to, nope. This is just I have to go to the bathroom. Don’t make me feel bad for when I need to go to the bathroom. Or if I have to run to the bathroom quickly before we leave for the 80th time, just in case, don’t make me feel bad. Like, but we’ve been married for 11 years now. Like we, we, like this is an accepted thing. We get it. So, same thing with mental health, right? If I can understand your anxieties, your depressive symptoms, your quirks, your ticks, and I’m curious about it with love and respect for it, I won’t judge it. I’ll be there for you to either be supportive, to change things up in my life, or in our family’s life structure that can make it work for you or be understanding. But we, but me as the person have to take accountability when it doesn’t go as planned, or I don’t do what I need to do, or I’m not functioning at a certain capacity, and look at myself in the mirror and go, okay, what do I have to do also? It’s that back and forth of checking in and making sure. And it’s not a death sentence, it’s not the end of the world. Just takes a lot of patience and kindness from both of you, for your own self and the other person, for you, whatever the mental health thing is.

Dr. Amy Moore 37:12

Well, and it seems to me that whatever diagnosis is impacting your functioning in the moment is part of that how full your tank is. Yeah. Right. I mean, because there could be a dozen reasons why your tank is only a quarter full, whether you worked for the last 12 hours or you’re overstimulated, or your Crohn’s isn’t a flare. And so that’s just part of explaining, hey, my tank is only this full because.

unknown 37:45

Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore 37:46

So I don’t have that capacity right now. And it’s all about yet, right? It’s it’s not, okay, I’m never doing this.

Eli Weinstein 37:53

Yeah. But I also think it really depends on your partner, like being kind and understanding to the fact that you’re a human and you’re not perfect. And that, yes, that comes with its struggles, and yes, that has its ups and downs. But I hope that the other person understands that if they had stuff, that I would have their back to. And that’s the mutual respect for each other. That’s the kindness, the softness, the benefit of the doubt, the curiosity over judgment things, right? That I’m gonna do my best for you because I know you do the best for me. Like if you’re sick, I’m not gonna be like, what the hell’s wrong with you? How come you just get out of bed? You have a fever. No, hey, I’m on it because I might be sick one day and you have my back. And there’s no, I’m gonna hold it over your head for three years because that one day, like, that’s not kindness. We don’t do that for people that we really love. We might lose our cool. We might be a little more comfortable to be our truest selves and be sassy or mean or nasty or whatever it might be. But at the core of our relationship, there is respect and love for each other. And that bleeds into everything the best that we can that day. Hopefully.

Dr. Amy Moore 38:59

Well, we’re gonna mess that up too, right? And we just do some repair work and we try again the next day or the next hour, right? Because it isn’t, oh my gosh, you know, I’ve already blown my diet today, therefore I’m gonna keep eating junk for the rest of the day.

Eli Weinstein 39:12

You know, yeah. I might as well just like do everything wrong.

Dr. Amy Moore 39:15

Like I’ve already yelled at my kids once, I might as well yell at my kids.

Eli Weinstein 39:18

Yeah. The whole day.

Dr. Amy Moore 39:19

It doesn’t work that way. So and I think, I mean, I think that capacity for showing ourselves grace and showing our family members grace goes a long way. Um, as long as everyone is trying.

Eli Weinstein 39:33

Yeah. Easier said than done,

Grace Repair And Closing Resources
Eli Weinstein 39:35

but we gotta try.

Dr. Amy Moore 39:37

Yeah, for sure. Eli, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule today. Oh, we’re done. I know can you believe it? But I think I I think I’m coming on your show soon, aren’t I? So we can talk again. Um so see, we can talk again. And you can come back on our show. Yeah, I know. Because I didn’t even look, I only asked you one thing that you wrote on your list of things.

Eli Weinstein 40:03

Yeah, it’s my fault. Sorry, I rant.

Dr. Amy Moore 40:06

Oh no. Sometimes I just ignore it because I want to talk about other things.

Eli Weinstein 40:10

Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore 40:11

It’s my show. I can’t love it.

Eli Weinstein 40:12

Yeah.

Dr. Amy Moore 40:14

Now I’m sassy, right?

Eli Weinstein 40:15

There you go. It’s my show. Do where I want. Yes, you can. Right.

Dr. Amy Moore 40:19

But um, anyway, thank you so much. This has been a joy uh to talk to you, and you’ve blessed our listeners with some really cool insight, and I can’t wait to share it with them.

Eli Weinstein 40:29

Well, thanks for having me. It was a pleasure.

Dr. Amy Moore 40:31

Hey, thanks for tuning in to today’s episode. Wondering what’s next? Well, don’t forget to sign up for our free monthly newsletter at thebrainymoms.com. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Brainy Moms, and subscribe to our YouTube channel at the Brainy Moms Podcast. And last, check out our sponsor at learningrx.com.